my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
