If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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