Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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