i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
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