hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
