I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
