At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
