Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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