Moan for me like Helen Keller
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
