I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
