also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
