I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
