the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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