I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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