i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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