He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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