hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
