so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
