She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
