I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
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At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
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Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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