take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
