I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
