The maid of honor just puked.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
