theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Randomize
