he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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