I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
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Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
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The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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