she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
