I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize
