i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Randomize
