My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Randomize
