life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Randomize
