Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
