May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
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