my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
