i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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