Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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