pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
The best walk of shames are on the highway
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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