i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
