Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Randomize
