I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
