As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
