i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
