she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
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