I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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