ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
