My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
