I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
