the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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