OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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