all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
