I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
