Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Randomize
