god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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