best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
