No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
either way he was missing a nipple.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
