i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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