If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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