i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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