Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
