He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
